I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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