That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
