just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
