That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
