quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
