How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
