I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
