fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
