You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
