This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
