I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
