we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
