Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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