Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
4 words: hood of his car
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
