the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
