I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The adults are the big ones right?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
