Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
