I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
