the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
