my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
