ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
