She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
