There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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