hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize