Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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