On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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