At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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