I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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