I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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