just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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