An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize