My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
