i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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