If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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