my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You ruined the universe
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
