I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
