woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
