Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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