Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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