I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
