if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
