And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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