Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
