this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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