I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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