I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize