I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
