I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
