I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
