She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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