Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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