I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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