Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I woke up under a house in Key West
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
