I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
