I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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