mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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