Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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