Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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