walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
