oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
