You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize