I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
