recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
