all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
