i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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