my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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