jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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