i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
