you didnt know i had herpes?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize