Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
